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` Colin. the dwarf snake-handler* Colin, the dwarf snake-handler*.

~ Colin was fatally bitten last week as he tried to break up a - fight between Fang, a 12-year-old African viper, and Clive - ~ Wignall, a 51-year-old solicitor from the Brentford district. `

~_ By the time he reached a hospital it was already too late. ~ Colin had enough solicitor-venom in his system to kill two fairly large midgets - and he was only a medium at best.

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What with global apocalypse just around the corner and that, | feel now would be a good time to put all Earth’s scientists to work on solving perhaps the biggest riddle hovering over mankind on this, the eve of his destruction. Namely, why are women absolutely fucking mental? | understand that this knowledge will soon be of little use, what with civilisation being doomed, but this doom is a cause for celebration not woe. Once the post-doomsday dust settles, any surviving blokes are going to have a whale of a time. Yep, it'll be right back to the good old social order of the late Bronze Age. As a hunter-gatherer the only conversation you will be expected to have with your bird will be ‘cook that’, ‘belt up’, or ‘drop ‘em’. Best of all, P À if you fancy some ‘extras’, you can just lay 5 5 one out with a club and help yourself!

: Dear Harry. Harry says: “Big football Dear Harry, Harry says: “Ah, the simpering - Suddenly there're birds all over always needs a steady ooze of As perhaps one of your younger tones of callow youth. the telly spouting about football. gullible new consumers Herb, readers (Pm 17) I have to ask - Listen, boy, you know nothing, Worst of the lot is that posh bint and who consumes more why do old gits like you hate NOTHING, about women, until a reading a script she clearly gullibly than birds? women? Move with the times youve woken up next to the ٢ barely understands in the back Their accountants worked out Gramps, girls aren’t like they same one at least 100 times in a ے‎ of Vinnie Jones’ cab. Why? that one pre-match bird hourin were in your day any more! row. Not some happy hopeful Herb, the club shop is equivalent to 90 Seb. sexy teenage girl neither - e Salford. half-cut bloke hours.” Ilford. someone at least 20 plus with e either 0 job they don't like or too " Dear Harry tered e siqa sui S ٣ د‎ in the loft. bed- men who write to : ridden, with some syndrome orcther | me for advice are in hell Seb, @ Trouble is, she moans constantly, which disturbs my new bird. She’s SH | ARETE UE m sona x given me an ultimatum - either put my wife in a home or start wank- ۲»؟‎ innn n ከጠጣዘዝ = ing again. I don’t want to lose my carer’s allowance, or have to waste i IUUD d Hb 11 the wife’s pension on care-home bills. What do I do? PA Së M" ۳ e ° aad | | JULY alldAE" DUI - 0 p ግዖበዘዘበ the hapik በ Q Harry says: "Greg, you’re a saint, but even saints know when to cut di Uil 1 | m Udon U 6 an :. Simply strip her, smash out her teeth, burn her dabs off a N @ ti ien d dump her on the town hall steps. Someone will take care of her. | [| Ë WI Í ri 5 | | dH, ይ gi @ Alternatively, pump her full of drugs and put tape over her gon, ái ————co— : This man soc Dear Harry, ME moaning wife Why do women demand at least . | lullabies - an hour of oral pleasure then try pa rue h to pay you off with a five-minute ۱ gobble? 7 My girlfriend says her jaw gets 0 sore. What the hell kind of ü excuse is that? Name and address supplied. e á Harry says: *No excuse. She e clearly doesn’t understand the e facial contortions required to e simultaneously stimulate both š flaps and clit. a Me, I ensure a fair return on M oral investments by looping a e heavy duty snake-belt round e the back of the wife's neck.

E-mail ‘Harry | with your problems at: madharryspanner@yaboo: com

ووو و e.‏ و و وو ۰۵ ۰ ٢ ٢ ٥‏ ههو دو و وه هو وهو هو 6 06 6 6 هه و ه و 6 ooo‏ هه 6 6 ٥ 6 ٥ 6 6 6 6 6 ٥‏ 9

;

PROBLEMS WITH YER SPLIT-ARSE?

BROODY BINT

Dear Harry,

Last night I found a vibrator under my wife’s bed-side table, and let’s just say I nab second place by a healthy margin.

It’s the length and weight of my arm! No wonder I can't bring her off no more - like wagging a maggot in a dust-bin.

What should I do?

Len,

Stoke.

Harry says: “Nothing you can do Len. She's already spoiled. Women have highly organised minds and forget nothing, espe- cially cock (even false cock). Even if your wife gave up her dong tomorrow; and even if, by and by, her fanny shrinks back to size; she'll never forget what it was like to thrash on Q vast thrumming sex-machine. No man can even hope to compete with that caper.

From now on, every time you attempt to sex your wife, she quietly laughs at you.”

(ሀሀሀ OLD

Nn ak اب سب‎ TA EE مه‎

2:111

Git

Dear Harry,

™ Al ofa sudden my bird has gone baby-mad and ` Tm afraid I am not remotely interested.

It’s not that I don’t want to raise a family - Ijust

don’t want no babies. I need my kip, and can’t

handle the smell of shit.

If 1 buy her a puppy will she be fooled?

Mark,

Burnley.

Harry says: “Possibly. That depends on how stupid she is. An alternative solution might be to consider adoption.

She gets a child, pre-toilet trained and able to understand the words: ‘shut it and go to sleep’, while you keep your quiet, non-shitty, life.

I myself have adopted two children, Olga, 18, and Ludmilla, 17. They were orphaned when their parents got stabbed by a member of the Russian Mafia.

1 rescued them when a different member of the Russian Mafia (I WILL NOT do business with <illers) sold them to me for £900. I love them.”

RY'LL SORT ‘EM OUT

My adoptec

daughters, O and Ludmilla | like to 6 them show

THERES A Cows HERE سا‎ `

La o ፲ መፈ EN. oo يسیک‎ eg

VETERINARY SURGEON) 一 | |

۰۸ Big STIFF ERECTION!

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In-car Charger + Holder Siemens C35e £29 Nokia 3310e 6 Vibra call alert worth 49 : @ 132 hours standby @ Easy to use, pocket size E 1 4.5 hours talk time @ 180 hours standby, ደ (under optimum conditions) 5 hours talk time | 24-HOUR ® Vibra call alert (under optimum conditions) | DELIVERY TO 9 Chat messaging @ Weight 117g, Length 117mm, . YOUR DOOR 6 Weight 133g, Length 113mm, Width 46mm, Depth 19mm Es w Width 47mm, Depth 21mm

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Landlines (local & national) and mobiles (same network) except A/time 150+ and A/time 1200 which include free calls to U.K. Landlines oniy. Full terms and conditions available on application. "Worth" of equipment is defined as manufacturers RRR 14 day money back/airtime cancellation is guaranteed provided that the complete package supplied including accessories is returned to us within 14 days. Off Peak User based on 50p per day on a 30 day month. E&OE

BLUBBERY FART SOUND

I'M GLAD L CAMETo THE EX]. [ፐ Take one 7 p/ Es, Ts SCORE!

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WHY NOT

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"ground. We know this for fact.

Designed with the wealthier client in mind, Dex is the ultimate in jet-set, go-getters. Tall, tanned, grinning.

Nash is aimed at

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| Playboy Dex Deluxe £5,000,000

Naturally, Dex is | fitted with a steel pecker that'd scare a blue whale. Operated froma _ hand-held console, | it also spits bullets | from the jap-eye.

Nash is stooped about the shoulder, and has pigeon

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rotting? Ha ha, you're too late!

Coming soon for

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mid-management,

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Sensible cem Nash £200,000

This gormless robo-donut is ideal for the poorer end of the market. Pallid, bloated body, leering red face, bleary, insane eyes which go googly for the amusement of all and sundry. A clown. A jester.

Mark 1 Dunderhead £90 a week

Sadly, the Dunderhead possesses no kind of genital arrangement. No, in line with this models lowly status it is fitted, instead, with a bright green plastic plastic horn which, again, provides hearty merriment for others. If the lack of genitalia is a problem you have two choices. You can either stop being poor, Or... you can just die.

Freddy Mercury died, now he's gone - you next?

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( sssu Youu. ستا‎ A( LC STARTLE WIT!!...... (^

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Gary Neville

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for those bar-room blabbermouths who swore that the appointment as England boss of bulb-headed Swede Sven Eriksson would end in tears

and violence. You. Me. Us.

Yes, the bald get has got us to Japan! As a special tribute, and by way of our apology for the petty abuse we heaped at him (mainly about his unusually big nut), we are giving away an amazingly small poster of the cold Scandinavian. Sorry about the weeness. This is down to the new ‘paper for free posters’ war ration. As of noon, a maximum size of 12cm x 8cm came into power. All the saved paper will be made into dirty posters of “The Corrs’, then bombed over religious fundamentalists in a bid to make them ditch their crazy faith and take up a life of frequent masturbation instead. We'll win.

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Simply guess the weight of Earth's biggest painting to be No. 1 winner

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READ THIS SEGMENT SON `... -

When, in 1925, Spanish artist Sardine Daily was commissioned to paint a portralt of Sid Hudd, the then King of Belgium, perhaps the last thing anybody expected him to produce was an 80-foot portrait of an unknown head with women’s bits where the face should go and a banana in its muff. They should have known better. Daily, a morphine abuser since the age of 6, had frequently hinted that if he was ever given the chance to paint Hudd he would do exactly this.

In 1921 he said: “Sid Hudd’s mouth is a huge vagina, and that is how I would paint it. A big fanny with a banana poking out. Honest. I mean it. Pm not Joking here.”

Pierre Wetty, the Minister who commissioned the work, later admitted that he had believed Daily to be joking when he said he wasn’t joking.

“I asked him when we first met to discuss the portrait. I said: ‘You won't do King Sid's face like a nude woman’s body will you?

“He said yes - but he was laughing his tits off as he said it so I assumed it was down to 7 j his weird, arty-farty persona. The big twat. Got my arse potted.” 9 All laughter died at the unveiling ceremony. Over 50,000 Belgians gathered to watch. <i ۴ and a further 35,000,000 listened in on the radio. / at. spasmatic rioting broke out within moments of the painting's appearance, with logs / M thrown, and the podium invaded. Daily got carted away by a jeering mob, and ; ፤ፅ was later found scattered the length of a rugby pitch.

The painting was immediately locked in the vaults of the Royal palace, and f might have remained there to this day, had it not emerged after his death that به‎ King Sid had been wearing a mask all along, and did, in fact, have women’s parts instead of features. So they got it out. Win a chair. Guess the mass. Go on pal.

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There's been a lot of stuff and nonsense e clreuisting around the internet recently concerning a certain 15th century French prophet and his "so called” predictions. Did he really fore-see the recent terrorist attacks in America? Is it true he predicted the rise and fall of both

A. Hitler and V. Feltz? And how come the world didn't end

in 1999 like he said?

In short - was he truly some sort of ancient mystical fig- ure with a gift for seeing into the future? - Or just a ide daft weird with a beard?

Over the following pages we'll be sifting through the evidence, sorting the wheat from the chaff, then grab- bing hold of the wrong end of the stick and beating

about the bush with it.

Plus, we'll be bringing you a set of ው iling new revela- tions with the discovery of Nostradamus's long lost butty box (at least that's what the bloke with the pitbull in the junk shop told us).

Nostradamus was born in of Eric Damus, a profess enger from Toulouse, ai bearded woman trom Billy

In 1602 the young Nostrad steps into the world of prophe seeing the outcome of the

Park. With his winnings he book of predictions, “The No accumulator system”. The bo tions for the entire 1620 fl incredibly popular. Unfortu incredibly rubbish, with. only ally coming home at a pitiful

was charged with misleading For his next book, he set out

would happen in the far dista: nt take place, both he and an He titled his new novel “The í “Quatrains” which allegedly : Assassination and Space Hor The Quatrains were obscure book sold like hot cakes - let enabled Nostradamus to live terous beard. He eventually p predicting the result of the 1¢

From Hydro-electric powe prophecied the lot.

The only problem is, like mos habit of talking absolute boll Eric Cantona’s ‘Seagull’ spe just try making sense of Nost Take his famous ‘Hitler’ p Certain scholars claim that ( 1) foretells of Adolf’s rise to shenanigans, so we took the li quote...

FRENCH VERSION Bestes farouches de faim fle Plus part du champ encore B En caige de fer le grand sera Quand rien enfant de Germa (Quartain 32, Centuries 1)

ENGLISH TRANSLATION Beasts mad with hunger will Most of the army will be agai The great one shall be dragge When the son.of Germany wi

uc what we 1 Ir

ea ze B

region of France Aud | geezer getting dragged about it, you can ER jus

por

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believe in God, Father Christ

22, the only son ` 18] street scav- | the incredible narts circus. ` us took his first - by correctly fore- ` 5 from Haydock :

። 0 1115 patented contained predic- - and was |

a pul blic and sentenced to a publie turnip aT a different tack, deciding to only predict things which uture. That way, by the time his prophecies did or did- rould be turnipers would have long since snuffed it. ituries" and it contained a series of four line verses or -told of such events as The Holocaust, The Kennedy rs.

rgely unintelligible and not even funny. Yet still the ace it, those French idiots will buy anything. It also ong and p prosperous life and grow a long and prepos- Jed his clogs via a massive heart attack in 1655 whilst cup final. The doctors said he never saw it coming.

renchmen, he had a s. If you think that was a bit obscure, lamus’s quotes.

hecy for example. tain 32 (Centuries ver and subsequent | ty of looking up said |

s tranner er sera observa.

im across rivers, | Hisigr.

n an {ron cage

bserue nothing.

le car OK, so the word ‘Hister’ does admittedly happens to be the local name for the Lower Danube ith the peckish swimming beasts? Or indeed, the

y cryptic statement to mean anything you like. amous lines: rty and PU ery

rt | if I want to, I want to, cry if I want to, You would cry to too ‘it happened to you.” lliam Hague and his disastrous spell as Tory leader? merely singing a crap pop song, the only difference is

ment, we're just a bunch of cynical bastards.We don't bie OS ei

The lunch pack of Nostradamus...

The early works of Nostradamus may have been palpable nonsense, but a startling new discovery suggests that the great prophet was on the verge of releasing an astonishing follow up to The Centuries, just prior to his sudden death. ፻ The discovery was made in a local junk و‎ shop where we came across a small casket bearing the inscription, “This butty box belongs to Nostradamus - Keep off.” Upon opening said casket, we discovered a perfectly preserved cheese sarnie, one pickled egg a Kitkat, and a series of hastily scribbled notes on the back of vari- ous empty fag packets and beer mats. Once translated and assembled into some sort of order, the notes take the form of a further series of quatrains under the working title of “Centuries 2 - The Millennium Edition.” Thankfully the new verses are far less obscure than his early efforts. his ‘Elvis’ prophecy for example, is concise and straight to the point:

AT

In the new lands of America a king shall come to power.

- His fame will sprea: a. so too his arse, expanding by the hour. Yet at the age of 4 and 2. his fame will take it’s toll,

He'll snuff it on the khaz: with a burger in his hole.

Equally accurate is his account of the Euro 96 semi-final:

Two great nations clash once more anc battle with a ball, Shearer scores but so does Kuntz to make the score one all. The tie will go to extra time and Gem after that

Then up steps Gareth Southgate. a useless big-nosed twat.

But what of the future? In his earlier works Nostradamus predicted the world would end in 1999, but it now appears that this was just a typing error. The new evidence indicates that the actual date is sometime during the Christmas holi- days later this year. In a quatrain simply entitled, “The arse of God” the prophet offers forth the following chilling message:

From the sky the Lord shalt come to bring his awful wrath To punish all his children for stray: ng J from the pe

Silently he'll drop his kecks and ease 7 s cheek Then he'll blow the world to pieces with c ne

7 3 (ር o ce, e = e

So that's it we're afraid. England finally have a side capable of winning the World Cup and there won't be a world left to win it in. Farted out of existance by the big geezer with the beard. Mind you, we've still got a couple of months left, so why not make the most of it? And to help you along the way, here's next weeks lottery numbers: 21, 7, 19, 6, 33, 9. The bonus ball shalt be 14. Amen.

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Blast your opinions into PO Box 129, Wotton-Under-Edge, 6112 7XZ or e-m

Dear Trumpet,

Bertha, my beautiful brown cow, has just broken the world cow press-up record.

She managed five, smashing the previous mark by 1.

Hubert Buggerman,

Filey.

ው -Bertha on her | way to history.

Ed says:*My cow used to do stt- ups - but I put a stop to it. The cheeky bitch was sneakily necking all her own milk.

Dear Trumpet,

persuasion.

be wise for me to attack him?

Simon, Herts.

The enemy - look in the Bible, it’s all there...

This is a photograph of my neighbour, Ali. As you may be able to make out he is of Arab

I was wondering, in the current climate, would it

Pm fairly confident I could catch him unawares with my truncheon while he milks that camel.

Dear Trumpet,

Not only did Nostradamus pre- dict the attacks on New York, this Tuesday he went through the card at Chepstow!

Mind you, I followed his footie tips last week and lost me shirt. Phil Binn.

Dear Trumpet,

In the likely event of a nerve-gas raid on my home I will surely perish. Bah. Is there no way I could manage to survive for long enough to watch at least one of my personal enemies die screaming?

My paper-lad has

delivered my paper late for years. I'd like to see him get his. Sheila,

Piltdown.

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Ed says: “For obvious reasons, possibility of legal repercussions, I am unable to come straight out anc instruct you to set about this individual. That said, I am confident that there 1s not a jury in the land who would

long as you are able to maxe some connection between Ali and the evil B: There must be something you could make up. Say you saw him laughing."

the.trumpet@virgin.net. NO ENGRAVED HUMAN THIGH BONES WILL BE RE

Ed says: “Soz She, the gas and chemical these rogues are set to pour in your home are brilliant. We know this because we sold them the kit to knock it up”

Dear Trumpet,

Countdown has lost it. Speaking as a true fan (my lifestyle ‘noice, habitual unemployment, puts me right up there with the retired), I have to say that the extra 15 minutes is to blame. It's nearly as bad an idea as that fucking ‘quickie-bag’ segment tacked on the end of

Ready Steady Cook to fill the gap before The Weakest Link. Barner

Leamington Spa.

Ed says: “I agree, but then, as an employed tarpayer, I am fully entitled to spout my views. You. om the other hand, should close your scrounging gob.”

not least the

convict you - 0

n Laden.

<

Dear Trumpet,

I desperately wanted to send you a photograph ol my dear friends the Hendersons.

Sadly I lost it. Luckily though, I had the foresight to take a pho- tograph of the photograph just in case I were to lose it.

Here's that instead.

Albert Fascism,

Monkey Island.

Se

Ed says: “Don’t talk to me about the Hendersons Fascism. I don’t want to know.”

Dear Trumpet,

Some people seem really happy that we are at war, while others seem quite scared.

Im happy and scared. Is this weird?

Tommo,

Birmingham.

Ed says: “Fairly, but nothing you should worry about Tom. Everyone is happy and scared - but most people pretend they’re either one or the other.

Truth is, war is exciting. All them bangs, flames, stirring stories of human bravery - whe wouldnt get swept along? Simultaneously, no-one wants to get involved. No-one wants their leg blown off. No-one wants shrapnel in their mouth Not me boss.”

Dear Trumpet,

I’ve finally realised why I hate soap-operas so very much.

It’s because the people in then are even more boring than I am Just because they're constantly murdered, raped, and divorcec doesn't make them interesting. Liam Nezbitt,

Coventry.

Dear Trumpet,

Far be it from me to alarm the horses, but I have every reason to believe that the US Navy is transporting huge oven-ready chickens around the globe. Why? What are they planning?

Why won't anybody listen to me? `

Karl, Chingford.

Ed says: “Conspiracy theorists (X-Files nerds to you and’ me) like Karl have long insisted that the US government is il SER sion of immense poultry. As evidence, they present this photo (below) which appears to show-d vast chicken; such as Karl describes, only coated with gigantic herbs; perched on the flight deck of the USS Humbug. What's going on? I don’t care.”

Dear Trumpet, This is a photograph of my neighbour, Simon. Call me paranoid if you like, but I’m sure the bastard is planning to attack me.

I have noticed that every time I milk Glenda he seems to be hovering about with something under his jacket.

As I say, Im probably just being paranoid, what with all this war business.

Ali,

Herts.

Ed says: “Dont worry about it mate. Just because some newspapers are wanking them- selves up for a blood-bath, it doesn’t mean everybody 18 in the same mood. I’m not. Nor are my massive ban-dogs.”

دس

0 6 0 ee 0 ٥ 0 6 6 9 9 9 9 0 9 0 6 6 6 6 K e

Dear Trumpet. Also, it's looking odds on as if Pll Could this I am overjoyed that the Govern- be worm-food before the next be what it ment is thinking of introducing generation of cards, the ones . appears to compulsory identity cards - with chips enabling the powers . ከ” be or not? mind you, I am a housebound that be to know exactly where سم‎ . terminally-ill chap we go, when, and with who. < This means I'll never get nicked Why am I overjoyed? Because because I rush out the house on Pm going to die. Why should you a Friday night and forget my tag. have it good? Or be stopped by bored coppers Ken Bush, because they dont ise the way I Droylsden. walk, or perhaps because they ۱ just fancy shitting somebody up. Ed says: “Strong words Ken.

because they can

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WARNING: Tony Blehh has never ` . posed in this way. We created our photograph using staples and a pair of scissors.

Prime Minister Tony Blehh has proclaimed that male trousers will be among the first items subject to rationing as a result of our new, perhaps doomed, crusade.

As of tomorrow, almost all men will be compelled by guns to take every pair of trousers they own to one of dozens of regional trouser-dumps which are due to open for business sometime next year. This avalanche of trousers; Government sources expect there to be somewhere in

the region of 120 MILLION pairs; will be minced and used to fill several tonnes of emergency field-pillows which might, just possibly, be of use to our boys in the field. “This is war, not dominoes." Said Blehh, as he produced a Union Jack from his brief- case and hugged it.

“If our soldiers are left without adequate pillowage the possibility of stiff necks goes smash, right through the sky-light.”

In exchange for his trousers, each man will be issued a book containing 24 small, beige coupons.

Each coupon can be redeemed at any Post Office (and specially selected branches of Iceland) for one pair of stiff brown paper trousers per fortnight.

The trousers come in two sizes - fat and not - but will be tailored by the minimum wage staff (staples, sellotape, gloy) to fit as snugly as any Saville Row suit.

Best of all, the slacks are environmentally ፪

friendly. They're made from recycled arse- ፪ wipe and other assorted garbage.

FearCAS |

Every corner of the nation will have | its bollocks squeezed by the ce hand of fear today, v as it has for weeks. Fears will range from cold sweats every time a plane seems to be flying o 7 bit low, to sudden CS J

| facial twitches and < near loss of anal 1 | sphincter control | 05 and when si T | people consider the doy security

measures taken at most nuclear

power plants. Same for tomorrow.

Would they wear anything as long as someone telis them

it is fashionable?

Sir Ludwig iroüsáre, Whatman of British Trou Ltd, applauded the Government's trouser-ration plan - with

both his hands and his feet.

Soon he stopped - and began to kiss a painting of a Union Jack he'd produced from his wallet. Trousers, a descendant of Lord Trousers of Kent; the 14th century aristocrat who invented trousers while pissed, when he mistook the blouse of a wench 0 raped for his doublet and stepped into the sleeves; said the fact he had landed the £20 million contract to make the new trousers had nothing to do with his unfettered joy.

“No, Pm happy because at last we are going to see the great WW 2 spirit forced into the heads of today’s feckless populace.

“For too long they've been used to having the best of ኻ everything on demand ٠ kecks included. Now they'll have to suffer, especially when the paper trousers are first fitted. “Their gusset, which is a stiff, sharp crease, plays merry hell with the cleft."

Piss-splats and what-not

Trousers told men not to panic. “Dont worry within days this stiffness fades and, by the end of the first week of wear, they should be so soft, from sweat, piss-splats, and what-not, they'll actually begin to drop apart."

The Slack Market

For a wide number of reasons which will never be made clear the new trouser plan will not apply to everyone.

. Lord b. Trousers

Ministerers, royalty, snobs toffs, the Home nties set, and اسف‎ with a salary ower £800,000 will not only be per- mitted t ሻይ their slacks. - at also to visit trouser fitting areas - where they will be permitted to mock peasants as they stagger around in their awkward

Britain's resourceful criminals and spiws have wasted no time moving in on the snide trousers racket.

Mere hours after the Prime Minister’s unveiled his terrific pants plan a Trumpet repar ter paid £900 for one pair of , bobbly mushroom-grey Farah sta-prests - with a 78 inch waist.

The fat lout who flogged hirn the slacks was cock a-hoop on cloud 9.

“Tve got a bin-bag full of pants that the proper authorities now nothing about.” He laughed.

The wet mess

“Tm so portly I had to buy clothes in Japan, from where the lesser bloated Sumo shop. “I smuggled them in to avoid paying duty!”

short the‏ ا ب

how the toad mowing our boys ዝር! bolster.

Our man asked could sleep

Patriotic Cockney glazier Fred Tablet fully nods his head over this typical double-standards. “Hey - if we're going to ready the ordinary British folks for a life of vicious war it is vital that they feel just the same towards their betters as the people did in 1939. “As if they were no more than the shit on their shoes.” Grunting, Fred then raced straight into his vinegar strokes, aimed his small red member, and coughed a scummy wad of semen onto a photograph of the Union Jack which he had produced from his bindle. Satisfied, he leapt to his feet and saluted a nearby pillar-box.

He snorted and pushed cakes into the wet mess of his mouth. "They don't need trousers. It's a distraction to keep our minds off the fact that any day soon cholera is going to be poured down the Underground.

"Same as the iron they collected in WW2 - ended up sold as scrap, with all cash shared between the King and Churchill."

At this, our man blew his whistle and ran for the secret police. They came, tipped the blob over, and rolled him up a ramp on the back of their cattle wagon.

It is likely he will be held under lock and door for the duration of hostilities - that, or for good, as this type of turncoat very rarely changes its spots.

The Farahs, you will be glad to hear, were passed directly to PM Blehh.

He personally shredded them with his stanley, crammed them into a bag, sewed up one end, then gave it to a tommy. Hurrah!

p Look at this little honey and drool - your semen! Wow. Bet you'd ' like to aim this wee cracker at a mob of treacherous rag-heads and slowly, ' sexily, squeeze her hot curvy trigger. Ec" They’d drop conker style - and who can blame them? | The gorgeous Kalashnikov, or ‘Kalli’ as she likes to be called, rattles out something like 50 lead kisses a second! 85." Hey When that volume of = ` lust slams into a guy's body luu hes sure gonna E know about it! ፪ሽ In fact, he's gonna | die - most likely | with his own raw RS core fizzing up the back of his shrieking throat! Bad news though fellas. Sexy Kalli here is the weapon of choice of our enemy - and he's just itching to let her dig love-holes in your chest! Meanwhile, keep vour ears open for Kalli on the bus, or on the street where vou live. When the close-quarters street fighting begins you'll know her by her distinctive harsh laugh!

Zn ° briefs

Deadly soup

THE FLOODS which have brought York to her knees are about to get worse - they’re turning into a toxic meat broth.

“It’s the buried cow and lamb parts from foot and mouth.” Said weather / soup expert Ian Whiz. “The decaying meat is pissing its juice through the topsoil, turning the water into rich, beefy stock.” Stricken humans, however, are being advised not to treat the flood waters as a free lunch. “Anyone dipping their bread in this goop will be dead by dusk.” “One cup will contain almost twice the toxins of a Cup 0’ soup - in itself a lethal snack.”

Shabby moles

SCRUFFY moles have set about a prize marrow with hoes and trowels.

A mini-vicar caught them in the act and was firmly beaten.

The PC confirmed he was on the lookout for a gang of badly dressed excavating rodents. “Real tatty specimens according to the Rev. Soles of their pumps flapping like sardines.”

The PC clenched his teeth and hissed: “Tl get them."

AND NOW, ON A LIGHTER NOTE, FIT BIRD'S ARSES IN HATS

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~ FORCE THE COMMON LAW WIFE TO CALL

Radio 2's Christian | su |

Baguette says:

"We've all been scared

away from bread-shops by assistants asking

embarrassing questions

Sub-standard bread ıs sapping the health of Britain's modestly | paid. Ricke curvy. TB. skrottle, the plague - yes, all our old pals are back. thanks mainly to a diet of gummy No Frills shite. Help yourse Cure those bandy legs. Get rid of that humped back. In «zor. allow us to lend you the quality loavage every human needs if they are to become rich and ethnically pure, like

im Henman. or one of them snooty tarts off of Hollyoaks. about where our money

is from. Questions like: NOW is the time to set things right, now is J “Is it hot? Was it raised by f the time we should unite, we dont need a

selling class-A narcotic? Do ú revolution, we just need to eat : ood br ea d you sell kids to dirty men? ۱ |

| No you whore! I just wantloaf Failure to meet payments on any or all of any bread መ === Will result in us becoming your worst ever enemy -

The man to blame for 73% of Burnley crime was Big Boss Arthur Entwhistle, a bearded major pig farmer and cold-eyed killer. Entwhistle employed hundreds of wild ‘pig-boys’ who tended his large swineherd. Each Friday these nutters would mass

Sheriff ۰ ` Wilf Clegg 1913 - 1979

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hor. . Butch Pye got thrashed Sheriff Clegg spent his ; first Ge weeks in with his own gun - then Burnley knelt behind barrels, gathering he pittled himself.

evidence against Entwhistle’s employees.

ود

The final straw snapped when Wilf slapped Hank Tildesley’s hat off. Tildesley was Big Boss Entwhistle’s wife’s cousin.

Then, panther style, Clegg made his spring. First, ‘Wild Sid’ Eccles got a log bust over the back of his head.

: home...

The Big Boss blew a stack out of his ass.

Foaming with anger

he told the crew of s his Flying Fortress to bomb Sheriff E | ሮ፦ Clegg’s wooden | The raid was ° > š Í | SN was in nds | a fat success... E S comparing prices of good

home off the map. p ۰ ۰ quality miniature snooker

4. tables + cues & balls.

Scared that Clegg would come to pue 286 ‘get him’, Big Boss Entwhistle ፲ But Clegg would not be pounced onto the Bolton Express. | denied. 6 days later he

booted Entwhistle’s | hostel-room door in and | put a hot bullet through | his woolly grey face.

In fact, the only person who’d | . been at home that day had been | ' Tim, Sheriff Clegg's most well |

trusted steam monkey. Tim's

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Rak REECE ር.‏ دنه

Burnley’s endless crime nightmare died with him.

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